Barbara, a frequent photographer of same-sex weddings in East London, boldly declares on her website: “The great thing about gay and lesbian weddings is that there are no rules!”

Same-sex couples necessarily defy conventions when they tie the knot. To mark the 10th anniversary of the historic Act that legalised same-sex marriage, we asked people with first-hand knowledge to define this special quality: the co-founder of The Big Gay Wedding Directory, Paul Wilson; gay wedding photographer Barbara (who prefers being called by her first name only); as well as various Eastlondonlines locals who have celebrated their own same-sex weddings.

Once you’ve read what they have to say, check out the ELL businesses who share the same appreciation for these very special occasions as these experts do: browse our brand new Eastlondonlines Gay Wedding Directory, launched today.

A break with tradition

Any wedding can do away with traditions, but same-sex marriages are more likely to. According to “The First-Ever Same-Sex Wedding Survey”, 40 per cent of gay weddings are informal, for instance, whilst only 16 per cent of heterosexual weddings are. 

Barbara, of Barbara K. Photography, specialises in photographing “non-traditional” weddings. She thinks gay couples are naturally attracted to her more informal style. According to Barbara, that’s because same-sex weddings break down traditional barriers, by definition. From the get-go, they often have to ignore questions like, “Who walks who down the aisle?”

Unlike conventional wedding photographers, Barbara has a strict, “No staging. No flash.” policy. She tries to blend into the background and snaps her best shots when subjects don’t even know she is taking a picture. 

One of the “non-traditional” weddings Barbara has photographed was in Hackney’s Round Chapel, where the 37-year-old journalist, Paul Morgan-Bentley, got married to his partner in 2017. 

Morgan-Bentley purposefully chose to get married at Round Chapel because they had permission to use the venue in whatever way they wanted. Doing away with “irrelevant” details, the couple used the “quirky building” for the ceremony and reception, deciding to get married on the dance floor. 

Morgan-Bentley also felt able to cherry-pick aspects of their Jewish culture. They did away with a religious ceremony but thought some traditions were too important to ignore. This included eating “delicious” Jewish food (shawarma, falafel and hummus) and performing the Hora – “basically everyone forming a circle and dancing like nutcases”.

As a gay couple, they were already departing from the religious conception of marriage, so Morgan-Bentley felt able to make decisions that solely focussed on just having “a big, nice day.” He says he found it “really fun to be freed from conventions”.

Finding the right helpers

Anyone planning their wedding day is anxious to get the right providers. Having the perfect-coloured flowers and an all-pleasing DJ playlist is difficult enough. But same-sex couples have an added layer of anxiety.

Paul Wilson tells the story that led to him setting up his Big Gay Wedding Directory: “I walked into a kilt shop and said I wanted a kilt for my wedding. The shopkeeper’s eyes lit up, she looked really delighted and asked who I was marrying. I turned to my male partner and said ‘him’. Without a word she just left the shop. Her colleague told me she had ‘suddenly fallen ill’.”

But, making sure you go gay-friendly with providers doesn’t just mean finding those who are happy with the happy couple, he says. It means finding seasoned same-sex marriage providers. “Take a cufflink maker,” explains Wilson, “your average cufflink provider will just see two men getting married and offer two pairs of cufflinks. A gay wedding provider will work with the couple and might ask if they want them personalised, if there is a colour theme for their wedding they can match…”

We also spoke to the celebrant, Martin Fox-Roberts, who specialises in same-sex weddings in the ELL area. His expertise in gay weddings means he is well-trained “to make for a more cabaret vibe”. His website asks: “Ever thought of having a Drag Themed Wedding?” Fox-Roberts reveals he can “offer the very foxy Maria Hurtz to officiate your ceremony!”

The Eastlondonlines Gay Wedding Directory lists providers, including Fox-Roberts, that are not only happy to help plan a gay wedding but have done so before. It not only takes a same-sex-specific worry out of the equation but also means those involved in the big day are tailoring the experience specifically to a same-sex wedding. 

Controlling the guest list

Guest lists for gay weddings aren’t just about whether or not you invite that second cousin once removed. They can often be quite a painful experience, involving people who don’t accept the idea of your wedding in the first place. 

Wilson, for instance, “put off” his own wedding, knowing that his partner’s elderly parents would not approve: “We only had the wedding when they were no longer around – and that sort of thing happens loads with same-sex weddings.”

Morgan-Bentley was told by some invitees that, for religious purposes, they didn’t feel comfortable attending the ceremony, suggesting they only go to the reception. Morgan-Bentley reacted to these half-hearted RSVPs, by rejecting them outright. But, he says he was actually quite thankful for them: “We knew who was not important and who we didn’t want there.”

On the flip side, Barbara explains how this self-selection process also means same-sex couples only celebrate their big day with the friends and family members who “they really want there”. These people also tend to be the ones who have supported the couple when other family members or friends rejected their sexuality.

An extra big, big day

Emotional speeches are a key ingredient to many good weddings. The stories shared at same-sex marriages, though, tend to be especially poignant – and inherently political.

Barbara begins to well up when she thinks of some of the speeches she has heard over the years: “Gay couples always talk about how they waited for so long to have the right to be a full citizen, just like everybody else.”

Martin Tilling, now living in Tower Hamlets, was a teenager in 1970s Warwickshire. When he was coming to terms with his sexuality, he wrote a list of things he would have to accept as a gay man: he would never be able to hold hands in public with the person he loved, he would never have children and he would never get married. In 2014 Tilling married his male partner of 40 years. “How could I have not been emotional that day?” Tilling asks. 

And again, speaking about those who did attend his wedding, Tilling said they were so “overwhelmingly joyful to celebrate with us”. And not just because it was a wedding, but because “it was hugely important from a political point of view”.

So, we might be nearly 10 years on from the legalisation of same-sex marriage, but each one of them – through the mere virtue of existing – sends a powerful, and necessarily emotional, message that is absolutely unique to gay weddings.

This article is part of our series, A decade since ‘I do’: celebrating same-sex marriage in London. Explore our Eastlondonlines Gay Wedding Directory and click here to read our other stories.